dun ask me why am i blogging in this language. coz i jus simply dunwan ppl to know what im blogging. u might be clever enuf to see what im typing. and say why am i so stupid wanting to blog things out when i dun wanna let ppl see.. but i juz wanna blog things out. havin feelings kept inside me.. it sucks!
i duno why. my tears are so threatenin to me. it is juz like a balloon filled with water. goin to burst anytime. why. i duno. too much memories i think. all the things ard me just reminds me on the past. and me this stupid gal.. go and read what i have typed out. argh. maybe coz all along i am runnin away frm the problem. the feeling. everything. during cruise, when CY asked abt hw am i feelin already. am i realli ok or what. i realli duno answer. i onli know how to keep quiet and hide my face under the towel and vividly say "yaya..im ok" but am i realli ok? tats the main qns. i myself dun even know the answer. hw will ppl know. too deep my wound had become. and salt have been applied on it. the feelings sting like nv before. seeing the person playin, talkin to him. so close. is nv me again. i have lost the position in his life. or perhaps i have never had such a position before. i duno. perhaps im juz a fool who cant see things well. perhaps im juz a blind gal. maybe. perhaps. i duno. i onli know that everything have make me sink into another depression which ppl dun even realise tat im in one. i onli know that everything have make me into someone who are so afraid nw. afraid of losing my onli friends i had. yes im a loner. i onli have these few friends. and tats why im so pissed and angry when ppl start to snatch them away frm me. im already pathetic enough. yes im havin self pity. would u kindly pity me too? u are nt the one who have been thru all these lost. but me. why is there so many ppl wanting to snatch away things from me when i onli have these left. once all these are being snatched away. i will have nothin left on this planet earth worth my stay. i would rather be buried 6feets undergrd and join the richest place on this whole universe, the GRAVEYARD.
perhaps why am i feelin so coz i have nt bein able to learn to let go. indeed i said i will nv want to be with him anymore. yesh its true. but why do i feel jealous or angry when de person talkin and playin with him is nt me anymore. why. i oso duno. so dun bother to ask me why. im angry at myself for being such a weaklings. unable to let go. unable to forget. i will nv forget the day.
25th July 2005. the day which i sit at the staircase of Bugis and cried. the day i took bus 7 to clementi and cried all my way back. the day i start to feel that the whole world is crashin down on me. the day that i have nv done things that will eventually bring physical hurt on myself. the day that i cried myself to slp in such a horrible feelin that i might have even ended life. ha! such a foolish gal ya. the day tat i once again slipped into depression and leads to the flunking of almost all the papers for my semester exam.
however. i have no one to blame. juz myself for trustin someone i shldnt have. and this is the result. havin unable to face him anymore. unable to even start a proper conversation with guys. ha! funny ya. what a stupid gal i am. bringing all these problems onto myself. in these world. nothing hurts more than these i think. not even the death of my loved ones? ha. im nt sure. my loved ones are still by my side. the word LOVE. is indeed a complex word. im mixed up by it too. what exactly is that. no one knows the answer. but all will agree to one thing... LOVE HURTS....
my soul is dead wef 25th July 2005........
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